SPEAKER_00: 0:00

Do you think that Christians today understand perseverance? I think once again disillusionment. If you think perseverance means you're owed something, then you didn't know what perseverance is about. Like we're refined by fire. Right? And that's refinement. That's the lesson. The fire is the lesson. Right? Yes, we come out better, but the refinement, the thing, the trials and tribulations are the lessons, and that's what makes that's why he says it builds character. Right? And I talk about it, like I talked about that in my one of my videos. Like, you how do you build character? Do your trials. Yeah.

unknown: 0:48

Don't bring don't jump a bye. Don't bring Don't Jack. Don't bring Don't Jumba Bible.

SPEAKER_03: 0:57

What's up, y'all? It's your girl Lish Speaks, and welcome back to another episode of my podcast. I'll Just Let Myself In. Y'all know it's the podcast where we don't wait for an imaginary permission slip or some seat at an imaginary table. We let ourselves into our God-given doors. I have a very special guest today. You know, I like to bring y'all the people, the people who I believe can really encourage you, teach you, people who I believe can help you. And every now and then we get somebody with a lot of letters behind their name. We get somebody who has been to school, who has done the work, okay? We get somebody who is licensed and who has passed the exams. And today we have a trauma therapist here. Um, but more than a trauma therapist, she is a friend. Um, she is a sister, she is a believer, a true believer in God and what he can do, not just through prayer and church and being a Christian, but through therapy. Um, she's someone who I feel really cares about our generation, um, about first generation uh people here in America and in the world, and someone who I really just can't wait for you guys to meet and know. Ladies and gentlemen, Tyro, Maje Kodume. Tyro's in the building, y'all. Give it up for Tyro.

SPEAKER_00: 2:21

Yeah, well I'm so happy to be here. I'm so happy to be here. I feel honored, honestly, that you asked me, honestly.

SPEAKER_03: 2:27

So now let me make sure I said your last name correctly. Did I? Close. You were close. Maje kodumi. Maje kodumi. But I'm just so grateful that you're here and so excited because I feel like there are things that you talk about on your social media, things that you shed light on, uh, and things that you've been so vulnerable about on other podcasts that I just think as a black woman, I just needed, needed, needed to hear. So I'm excited to get into it. Let's talk a little bit about what a trauma therapist is and how trauma therapists differ from a regular therapist.

SPEAKER_00: 3:04

Okay, yeah. So the way it works is like I do the regular schooling, go to get my undergrad, get the grad um graduate degree, and I got it in mental health counseling. So, in order to be specialized in trauma, you have to have taken like like continue education courses. I took a lot of that surrounding trauma, and that's why like I am trained in EMDR because that is specifically for people who have undergone like severe trauma. Um, EMDR is a form of therapy, eye movement desensitization reprocessing.

SPEAKER_03: 3:34

Come on now.

SPEAKER_00: 3:34

Yeah, I can never say that the desensitized desensitization perfectly. But um basically, like it's that form of therapy where like when you experience a traumatic event, a lot of times the memory gets stuck in your brain the way you experienced it. So it uses movement, we call it bilateral stimulation, like tapping or eye movement to help you reprocess that memory and now incorporate a more positive belief. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 4:01

I heard you talking about how therapy is not just mental, it's physical in a podcast that you were on and how you try to teach people to do the body work, right? It's not just mind work, it's body work. And um, I got some questions for you about that for myself, child, because honey, trauma tried to take me out. Um, but I wanna I want you to go back to the young girl, right? Your young self who didn't even know that a trauma therapist existed, right? What about her experience led you to be the woman that you are today?

SPEAKER_00: 4:34

Yeah, that's um so like I speak about trauma so much, and I'm so passionate about it because I've just been through a lot, you know. Um you grew up in I grew up in a single parent household. Um and my dad was like there, but not really. For I have three other siblings, and it was just it was very volatile emotionally and sometimes a lot of times physically. And then on top of that, when I was 11, I got diagnosed with lupus. And that I think kind of like changed my perspective on everything. Yeah. Um, and I didn't, because of me being Nigerian, a Nigerian-American woman, like a lot of our ideals weren't centered on mental health. Yeah, of course. Like we didn't we didn't talk about mental health, like she was like, just pray about it. Or like you just gotta be, and then even when I was sick in the bed, you know, like throwing up and not eating, they was like, you gotta be strong for your mom. And I'm like, okay, yeah, I guess, you know. So it's like I I didn't my I didn't I couldn't admit anything. Saying depressed, you can't don't say that. In Jesus' name, you'll not be depressed, you know what I mean? And and and in some ways I get it, but it was like it was also a denial of what was happening, right?

SPEAKER_03: 5:44

Yeah, and I think it's also the adultrification of children. Um, I think black children and and that spans the diaspora, right? We just get adultrified way too quick. Way too quick. And it I didn't realize this until I got around white women my age. And I realized, oh, you didn't just decide that you can get a credit card at 18. No, my mom made sure that I could I couldn't get a credit card, I couldn't, I didn't have control over that type of stuff. I, you know, oh, you didn't have to get a job to buy your own books in college. Oh, you didn't have to, I just didn't even realize that was a reality for anybody. And it's not all black people, right? Because there are plenty of black people who whose parents were very involved. Yeah. But I find, especially with black women, yeah, we get adulterified, and even in our experience of trauma or hurt or pain, we get told at 11 to be strong. Yes. So so someone telling you at 11 to be strong is his own form of trauma.

SPEAKER_00: 6:45

Oh, yes. Like it my it almost my pain couldn't be shown. Yeah. I had to be shown that even though I was going through what most people will never go through in their lifetime, that I was okay. Yeah. And then it was it was hard because I was like, I was going through so it was, I remember thinking I had this dark cloud. Like I was in sixth grade, like it was the year after I got diagnosed, and I was like, this feels like a dark cloud.

SPEAKER_02: 7:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 7:11

And like there's nothing seemed the way it was. I never felt I no longer felt confident. Everything I looked at was like overanalyzing. I was I remember it like it was yesterday. I was always anxious, always hyper-aware of how someone saw me. Cause I was taking a medication where it was blowing you up, puffing you up. So I'm I'm I'm I'm like 50 pounds heavier than I'm usually in. And I'm wondering, like, you know, is she thinking I'm this obese girl that is eats like I think one person asked you, did you get stung by a bee? Girl, I'm gonna tell you, I was fat and I didn't have lupus, okay? I was just a fat kid, so I understand. Girl, it and it was it's been it was up and down because like one year my weight would be less, but then my lupus would start flaring up again. Then I would have to take the meds again. Yeah, so it's like imagine what that does to your identity, right? You don't know what you're supposed to look like. Yeah, oof, yeah, you know what I mean? So it's like I was looking in a mirror, not always recognizing who I was. And one thing about my dad that I love is that he was so perceptive, right? He said, Why do you keep looking at yourself in the mirror like that? He said, you know, like that's you, you're beautiful. Like you are beautiful just the way you are. And I was just like, Yeah, like, because like no one says that stuff to me. Yeah. When I was in that time, no one was saying that to me. And I and I think it's because that's the way they've learned, like, you know, no, this is not who you are. When you're when you're not sick, that's who you are. But I am who I am in all, you know, trials and tribulations that I'm going through. And I think I grew up thinking that this was going to be temporary. No, it's a lifelong disease. Yeah. Yeah. So it definitely till this day too, like, I have to always struggle with my identity and like what am I rooted in, and also like how I see myself. Because, like you said, like what led me there is because I've experienced it. And I understand what it the confusing thoughts when you know you have this dissonance where someone's telling you you need to be strong, but at the same time, you just want to fall down and on someone and be weak. You need a soft landing and you don't have it.

SPEAKER_03: 9:14

Yeah, yeah. So how's that going for you now? Have you learned how to be weak, how to land on someone? You know, it's still a struggle. I'm I'm sure.

SPEAKER_00: 9:24

It's still a struggle. Um it's hard because there are times when I'm like more vulnerable, but it the cycle of pain, you know, it happens. And you're gonna encounter the same things a lot. And sometimes I just feel so ashamed. Like, why am I feeling like this? Like, you know, or even being a therapist, like in my head, I'm like, I should have it together. I know it's not true, you know, but I don't have it together.

SPEAKER_03: 9:50

I felt that way as a disciple. I was like, I'm like, you're a disciple, you shouldn't be. Yeah, like the edge. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00: 9:55

You need to be the pillar of everything healed, and you know, but I'm not, you know, and my pain is real. Um, my joints still ache, you know. So yeah, it is a struggle, but I still push past it because the spirit calls me to. Yeah, yeah. I have to push because I'm not, I can't lean on myself. Yeah, like I'm just gonna fall every time.

SPEAKER_03: 10:17

So I talk about this all the time. Proverbs 3, verse 5. Lean not on your own understanding. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 10:21

When you are leaning, you do something, girl. I don't play about that scripture.

SPEAKER_03: 10:25

You do say let me tell you why I don't play about that scripture. Because for so long in my discipleship, I think because of the way my discipleship and the way I learned discipleship was so works heavy, it was so much up to you. You deny yourself, you teach people how to become a discipline. You it's on you, that all I did was lean on my own understanding. Even my own understanding of the scripture. Because if I encounter someone who didn't think like me, I wasn't taught how to fix how to reconcile with that. And so when I hit about 30, and I realized that my understanding, being single past all my friends, when I was the one who did everything right, yes, that's when I realized, oh baby, you can't lean on your own because two plus two is not four right here. And you're not gonna understand why God is withholding what you what you deem as a blessing because everybody doesn't see marriage as a blessing. But for me, I saw marriage as a blessing, something I wanted God to bless me with. And when it wasn't making sense with my timeline, and I just heard um Brenda Palmer talking about this on LaCrae's podcast. She was talking about how sometime, you know, when you because she's she's a virgin, she's in her 30s. I was a virgin until I got married at 35. And you think that God is supposed to bless you because according to the Bible and and your understanding and the way you were taught to, you know, I became a Christian at 14 years old. I was taught this is what you, you know, whatever, whatever. And I believed it and I agree with it. That part I was I agreed with 100%, and still do um that you should not be having sex if you ain't married. Okay. Now here we go. Now we're gonna get back to the podcast. But but just because you do that does not mean God owes you. And my understanding was I was struggling with understanding if you bless those who are obedient, if I delight in your ways and you're supposed to give me the desires of my heart, I've been at this thing since I was 14. Now I don't watch Homegirl who came in two years ago, who slept with 50 men, and I know it because she told me, get a husband. That doesn't work for my understanding. Nope. And this is not even me being judgmental about anybody's past. It's confusing. I just didn't understand. It's confusing. And I said, Oh, you are leaning. The reason you keep falling and keep stressing and keep whatever is because you're leaning on your own understanding. And when you lean on something, you are depending on it to hold you up. Yes, it's faulty. You gotta lean on and that was really the the path to my surrender about my singlehood. That scripture. So that's why I talk about scripture so often, and then it taught me other things. I went through something with my family a couple years back where oh yes, something I was just like, now what? You know, and I was like, we will drive ourselves crazy trying to understand why people I'm going through something right now with somebody who I love very much, yeah, who was behaving in a way that I'm like, what's happening? I what happened? You know what I mean? Like, I just I you could put a give me a million dollars and ask me what's going on between you and this person and why are they not speaking to you? I could not tell you. Wow, million dollars gun to my head, but I have learned not to lean on my own understanding. Old me with that attached, uh, anxious attachment, would have not been able to sleep at night. Right. But baby, once I got Proverbs 3 under my belt, I said, listen, I don't like it. I'm not happy that it's happening. But you gotta accept it. But good night. Um my bonnet is on and I'm going to sleep. And either we'll figure it out or we won't.

SPEAKER_00: 14:09

I'm not, yeah, I'm not shuffling myself behind this. It's it's what you just talked about is like I'm because I'm learning it too, like, because with my relationships, like there's this book called uh by Lisa Turkhurst, Good Boundaries and Good Buys. Right? So she talks about how like we try to we struggle to try to keep relationships to the point that like it's detrimental, right? She said, um she said, you if someone keeps breaking your trust, right, you can't build it again. It was she said it way better than that. But it was like kind of I think somebody somebody on TikTok, like they had a they had a cup, it was full of sand, and every single time somebody broke your trust, they would crack it and the sand would seep out. But they would try to tape it up and they would try to rebuild, but it was still seeping out because at the end of the day, like they've used, they they've shown you how much they can handle. Yeah, right. So I grew up where like that's your sister. She has to be everything that she goes above everything. And you know, in some ways, yes. But not always true, yes, right? I think I remember I went to Paris one time and I was like, no, that's my sister. They said, Yes, that's your sister, but we all your sisters. We all your sisters. I said, No, you're not though. That's my twin. He said, Yes, but we your sisters too. And she like she was trying to teach that to me. And I was just like, this is weird, whatever. But I see and I understand because like your relationship doesn't have to be based on the title of it. Yes, right. And I think when we hold ourselves to those ideals, yes, of like, oh, my brother, so he has to protect me. He has to know. Yeah, like you guys grew up in the same household. How why how could he protect you from something he wasn't protected against? Correct, yes. And I think so. Is there just the compassion of knowing where they are and accepting that this is all they can give? Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 15:51

Oh, yeah, I'm big on that now too. I'm like, people have the capacity that they have, it is what it is. Yes, I am not going to because I used to, when I was in my 20s especially, really try to for I'm I think I found way too much identity in being a good friend. Um, if I was in a relationship, being a good girlfriend, being a good sibling, being a good daughter. And I'm like, I was not put on this earth to please anybody but the Lord. I'm very clear on that. And another thing that I really want black women to get, you were also not here to make anybody proud. Somebody being proud of you is great, it should be a byproduct of you making yourself proud. But we gotta put down this, I want to make my parents proud, I wanna do that. I don't care about making nobody proud. The Lord, that's it. You know what I mean? I need to wake up and be proud of the decisions that I've made, and it has freed me because I'm telling you, and not just the situation I just spoke about, but several situations in my life. I and I would not say I'm not, I don't have an interest attachment style anymore. I still do, but I worked on it so much because I saw that it was making me into a person I didn't like. Like I made a post about this one time. If you need people to understand you in order to have peace, you're in trouble. Yeah, everybody wants to be understood, but I no longer need you to understand why I did or why I didn't do I don't need you to understand. You can understand or not, it's okay. And um, I really believe that some of the peace that we are looking for will be found when we decide that it's okay to be who we actually are. Right.

SPEAKER_00: 17:28

You can't find it in other people. No, and you can't find it trying to be somebody you're not. Like you're trying to like think with this relationship, I'll be happy. Even if it's a friendship. Wow. Even if it's a husband, let me tell y'all right now.

SPEAKER_03: 17:40

I want to tell, cause because I think y'all think, I really think y'all think if I just get married. Let me tell you. Nah, I'm over that. Yeah, because you got married friends.

SPEAKER_00: 17:51

Yeah, right?

SPEAKER_03: 17:52

I do. And I tell people all the time, this is not something like, at least not in my marriage. It's not something like, oh, when you get a husband, it ain't on what you think it is. My my husband is actually what you think he is. What I thought he is. You know, let me, you know, she's one of my husband's best friends. When we got, when we were getting engaged, I was like, who are your female friends? Who are my male friends? And who that we need to stay friends with? And he was like, Tiger on Kennedy's not going over there. Like, that's that was almost in our wedding. That was almost gonna be on his side of our wedding. Oh, yeah, yeah. But then we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So um, you know him. You know that the things that I talk about is really happening up in this house. And most of the stuff I don't talk about, because y'all would just think I'm bragging. Even with that, even with a great man who takes that, there are days where I'm sitting in the corner rocking, and he's like, Are you okay? I'm like, I'm not, because of this thing from my childhood. Yes. Because there are um achievements and things that I want to achieve for myself. It don't matter how much money your man got, no matter how many degrees there's gonna be things you want for yourself as a woman, at least there should be. And you um just merely being married is not gonna satisfy that. I know that's right. The relationship is a bonus.

SPEAKER_00: 19:11

You gotta like yourself. You know, and that's why. So, like, it's funny you said that because like I feel like we have opposite reactions where you like try to hold on, I'm like, Leave me alone. I envy you. No, I don't, it's not good because then you're left alone. Then you're left alone, really. Then you're then you're left to your own devices, then you're left to sin. Like, and it's not even just it's sin of the heart. What's your attachment style? Avoid it. So it's actually for a long time, it was actually disorganized. Huh. I grew up in a very traumatic household, right? So like I would push and pull, push and pull. That's what I was taught. Yeah. I would say now it's avoidant. Okay. Now, so more avoidant. I actually have secure relationships, right? So, like the thing about attachment style is that it changes. Yes. So I'm not, you're not defined by your own. Just computer and taught avoidant in some ways. No, and I don't want to, but some, but that's the thing, good boundaries and goodbyes, right? I gotta read that book.

SPEAKER_03: 20:07

I gotta put that in 2026.

SPEAKER_00: 20:09

Read it, read it because it's like she said, you create sometimes we need space to figure out if we need better boundaries or if we need to say goodbye. And sometimes we have to accept that we do need to say goodbye. And I I remember like in college, I was so anxious and depressed all the time because I was trying to hold on to friendships and like it bothered me even after college. And I was like, wait a minute. Why am I still thinking about this? Exactly. And I know it was through therapy in Jesus. Like, I had to realize that I can't try to hold on to what like what was. Yeah, like this relationship was good for the time that it was at, yeah, and that's okay. Yeah, we move forward, yeah. You know, some relationships like like I'm gonna speak to Claude Jimmy all the time, but that's my brother. You can't tell me nothing. You know what I mean? I'll speak to you all the time, but you're my sis. Yeah, you want to see by my house again? You know you both you know, but I I don't need to speak to you every day to know that, right? You know, but for a long time I thought that like, but we're not in contact. Does that mean we're still friends? Yeah does that mean that you know, no, it's not like that. Everyone has relationships shape and they change. Yeah, and they it's for the time that you need it. Yeah, for for how close or how not close you are, yeah. It's for the time you need it, and I had to learn that. And it's been a good realization because I'm like, I I when I say like when people say I want to be your friend, I say, Do you? Do you really? Because I'm like, because I right now, like, I can't give you a lot of things.

SPEAKER_03: 21:34

I'm just telling I'm my best friend. I'm like, I don't think I need no more friends. I'm done. You are done. She likes girl, stop. I'm like, but I just because I'm just I'm yeah, that's the whole that's another good friend.

SPEAKER_00: 21:42

You you were too good of a friend.

SPEAKER_03: 21:44

Yeah, yeah. Told you talk about this off camera, chat. Some people, yeah, some people's subscription is running down. So yeah, another time, another topic for another day. I do want to say this, um, and I know you can't speak about your clients specifically, but how much when it comes to your millennial or zillennial clients are you hearing about friendship breakups, being ghosted by friends, or being non-contact with family? All of them. All the time, right? What do you think it is? Because I I so I'm not a therapist, and people talk to me about this. How what do you think it is about our generation that can't sustain friends? And let me before I say can't sustain relationships, I do understand that there are nuances. Sometimes you do need to go non-contact with your abusive dad, mom, sister, uncle. I totally get that. Um, but what do you think it is that we we seem to be having?

SPEAKER_00: 22:46

I thought we have a confusing generation, right? The generation before us was like everybody stick together. Like, you know, like you know, we bent, like, you know, civil rights movements and all that stuff. Like, they was, I want to say it was like boomers slash Gen X type thing. Like, you lived where your family lived. You didn't know, yeah, yeah. And then also like you grew up with like um your friends from childhood became your friends now. You know how many millennial friends still have friends from their childhood that come? But then what I realized is that we grew up with the ideal of a standard of the maybe the nuclear family, or maybe you were a little bit more progressive, but there was still a standard of how you had to have relationships.

SPEAKER_02: 23:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 23:23

If you had a friend, this is how it was supposed to be. I think we're the generation that's still trying to understand what like it can't always be the way we picture it. Yeah. You know what I mean? Like we we're the we're the technology generation. So, like, what so we have the hustle generation where we had to like we're so many different generations.

SPEAKER_03: 23:41

No, like like we we've been through so many.

SPEAKER_00: 23:43

Our generation has been through a lot, right? And then, you know, navigating like college or or whatever career you've decided to go into, and then try to understand how the friendships fit in that based on the ideal that you've been placed that's been placed in front of you. I think there's a disillusionment. Yeah, yeah. We're all disillusion, we're all disillusioned.

SPEAKER_03: 24:04

And we're disappointed, disappointed, because you know, because we grew up watching Max run over to Khadijah, Regina, and Sinclair's house before her and Monica and Chandler and Ross drink coffee together every single day. Right. I'm gonna tell you something. Even since I so you know, we're here in New Jersey now, and I thought I'd be seeing my friends a lot more than I do. People got work, people got kids, it ain't it's we ain't hanging out like we in college no more. You know what I mean and and you just I think there is a disillusionment, and I think we struggle with grace. I agree. We struggle with grace and mercy toward each other, you know, and even that's something I'm working on. I'm like, okay, I have to be more gracious, you know, and I think we we also struggle with grace toward our parents, you know. Yeah, that's a hard one. Yeah, no, it's a hard, uh trust me, I know, but I have been, I've never felt like I needed to go non-contact with my parents. But I have struggled through struggling with forgiving them for certain things, yeah. And I'm blessed because no one nobody abused me physically or sexually. I'm very blessed. I know that's not everybody's story, um, but I do feel like there was some emotional neglect, definitely financial irresponsibility because I'm like, you know, and again, this is what I get around my white counterparts, yeah, and not all of them come from rich families, yeah, you know, but I also understand systemic and yes, societal things that were different in our homes. Yeah, but there are parts that I I found myself becoming like very critical of of my parents, yeah. And and Glajumi could tell you, I was like, I'm the devil will not get me to not have a relationship with my parents based on, or to not or have a strained relationship with my parents based on like I'm I'm rebuking this in the name of Jesus. I'm doing whatever it takes. Now, I have boundaries. I have boundaries. You know? It's beautiful, bro. I have boundaries, beautiful, dude. Um, but I really do appreciate like the ability that I feel like we have as millennials to tell our truth. Yes, you know, to tell our truth.

SPEAKER_00: 26:19

I would also say that like we have the ability to tell our truth, and but sometimes they don't want to hear it. Yes, of course, right? But what I also realize is that that's also like I need to, if if I can't converse with you about something that you hurt me by, then I also have to build a boundary about my vulnerability. Correct, right? So, like what I realize is that when you build boundaries based on what people are giving you and what they show you, like, and you protect yourself, for those who don't have healthy boundaries or for those who don't like it, it will be a threat. Yes, absolutely, right? And I I think one thing I love about my mom is that like she like I started building boundaries and she may not always understand it. She respects it. Because my mom's a Nigerian mom. Do with that what you want. But mom's a Nigerian mom, but like she she's like, okay, I okay, you're working, okay, okay. You said I can't call you, we can't talk every day. I understand. Like, she's she's trying to work to understand. She still struggles with it because I'm like, I'm all talked out by the time I'm coming home. And you know, my mom likes to call me every day from when she's going her way to work because she works nights. But I was like, mom, I can't do that every day. And I love her for it because she she she's still fighting to understand it, but not everyone will, yeah, right? Because, like, like I said, ideal, reality. We gotta, we gotta sometimes like deal with reality. Yeah, no, most every time we gotta do reality, but because like when we try to always face things to the ideal, that's where I was so hurt, yeah. Like my best friend, well, she's supposed to be doing this, and then my like you, why would you not do it's my birthday? Did she even have a birthday? Like, did she have a birthday party ever? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does she even know what you're feeling? Yeah, you know, it's like a lot of times, like we don't meet people where they're at either. Like we said, the grace, having compassion and seeing someone, okay, you've dealing with a lot, but also having the healthy um notion to say, but I still have to protect myself. Yep, yep.

SPEAKER_03: 28:17

And and one of the things I think people have to understand is that you have to love yourself enough to take your needs out of the hands of people who cannot meet them. Take take your needs back. You need your birthday. One thing about me, I I don't expect nobody but the man I married to make a big deal about my birthday. And before I married him, I didn't expect nobody to make a big deal about my birthday. I travel for my birthday most times. You know why? Because that's what I want to do. If you can't make it, if you halftime I don't even like people be like, yo, you I've never done like a big birthday dinner. You know why? Because I like to eat in expensive places. And I don't need y'all fighting over the bill at the end of the night. So what I would do for my birthday before I was married is me and my friends who like to spend money, because you know your friends. You know your friends. Oh, I got a love. Me and my friends who like to get it in like that, we would be the ones that hit up. At that time it was Philippe, STK, Noble, wherever we was going. And then I got friends who just want to take me to IHOP for my birthday. And I, I, by the way, I love IHOP. Love a pancake. Like I love IHOP. So take me to IHOP. Then I got other friends who just want to get coffee. Then I got other friends who just want to say, just want to text me happy birthday. It is not anyone else's responsibility to meet a need that they have shown you they cannot meet. And what we keep doing, especially as women, especially as women, we put our needs in the hands of people who cannot meet them.

SPEAKER_00: 29:44

That breaks my heart every time. I'm telling you. Whenever I see it, I'm like, that person is not going to like I said this to myself, like, you can't expect someone to meet a need they never did. Yes.

SPEAKER_03: 29:55

She said, but I was like, ma, like and that they were planning on meeting that they would have met it by now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 30:00

And I was like, I I and I and then like I my sister was like, you know, she thinks that I still expect things to be. I said, no, I'm just gonna give them a chance. Yeah. Of course. Yeah. You know what I mean? I'm gonna give them the chance. Oh, you want I said, I'm gonna invite you to this. Come or don't come. I'm gonna still give you the opportunity. Yes. It's not hope. It's not me being hurt. Yeah, and maybe I am a little hurt. I will say that. I can admit that I there are times when I'm hurt because like I'm having major things happening and you're not there. Yeah, right. But I'm still gonna offer you the opportunity. The opportunity. Yeah. Because then when we start, then we then it's like, I mean, that's my boundary. Yeah. Offer the opportunity. Some people just don't do it anymore. I'm not offering an opportunity so you can hurt me again because you know you can't handle that. And that's fine.

SPEAKER_03: 30:41

Yeah, yeah. And that's your boundary.

SPEAKER_00: 30:42

And that's your boundary.

SPEAKER_03: 30:43

And I think it also remember one of the things I've had to work on is remembering that different relationships require different things, right? Like I have friends who, if I call them and they don't call me back, it's not a problem. But if I call Diamond and she don't call me back for two or three days, we're gonna have a problem. If I call my best friend Jasmine and she don't call me back, but but also we don't do that. Yeah, that's never happened. It's not a problem. Because that's not our relationship. When she calls me, I call her back. Yes. When I call her, she calls me back. If for some reason we can't call each other back, it's hey girl, I'm whoop-be-woop-woop, because my best friend is a therapist. She's like, girl, I'm just guy. She's a therapist and she works as a guidance counselor. Not even a guidance counselor, but she's bigger than a guidance counselor, but she works in the middle school, guidance, in the elementary school. So she can be talked out sometimes. Yes. And I was in ministry full time. You understand? The helping effective. It's communication. I have other friends, but we could text each other, and no one texts back for six months, and then the other one's like, hey girl, sorry I never touched you back. What's going on? And it's no problem.

SPEAKER_00: 31:45

No problem.

SPEAKER_03: 31:45

But the thing is, you gotta understand what relationship you're in. Because if we've been back and forth, back and forth for 15 years, and then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, you want to take six months off. Um what are we doing?

SPEAKER_00: 31:58

Like, so like what did the expectations change? Right, what happened? What happened here?

SPEAKER_03: 32:02

So it's just one of those things where communication is so important, and I think, you know, really understanding that we all have roles to play. And if your role needs to change, that's fair and that's fine. My role changed in some of my relationships when I got married. It had no choice but to change. Yes. But you have to communicate those things and make sure that the love still stays present. I want to talk about ADHD. Oh Lord. You're diagnosed as an adult, right? Um, I think I need to go talk to somebody and get diagnosed. Matter of fact, let me keep it real. My husband thinks I need to go talk to somebody. Yeah, yeah, he's laughing over there because he'd be like, You need to go talk to somebody. Um, yeah, that's a whole nother thing. I I definitely have touches of a lot. Um, but what was it like going through your entire life? Yes, and then as an adult in your 20s, yeah, being diagnosed with ADHD.

SPEAKER_00: 32:56

It was like I was comparing myself before the symptoms showed up. I remember in fourth grade, I was able to memorize a textbook, a page of a textbook. No problem, take the exam. I till this day, I don't remember how I did that. I was like, so it's it felt like I was drowning in silence. Like drowning, and there's still air though, but I'm drowning. Like you have the capability to do something, you know you have the ability to do something, and you just can't. Yeah. Right? The executive dysfunction, you can't make a decision. You know? So it was like 21, or I think 21 or 22, like I was so behind in my therapy notes. And I'm like, what the freak is going on? Why am I like, why can't I get it right? And I think I was also going through actually just grieving my dad. My dad died in 2018, but I felt like I was in survival mode during the pandemic. So I didn't really leave room for that. And then I think when I I just started feeling everything, and your body shuts down when it happens. When you've been relieved of the pain, it's the when you've been relieved of the triggering um situation, the pain now shows up because your body is no longer running on that adrenaline and that stuff. So, like that was happening in addition to me like making simple mistakes. Like, I couldn't, like, there was times where I couldn't get out of bed because you know, ADHD, there's a symptom where you just like you can't struggle with transitions. Yeah, trouble, not even just transition, yeah. Oh, see seasons? To me, it's still some. I don't understand how it's winter right now, right? So, like it was so when I got the diagnosis, because I actually took a test, like, because some people's like, oh, we can't say whether or not I'm like, take a test. I paid a I paid for it.$150, took the test, and she was like, You definitely have it. And it's predominantly inattentive. Like you can focus for some certain amount of time and then you just lose it. But then you eventually get back, but then you lose it again, right? So that feels like I said, I always had this feeling why can't I finish anything I start? And that that weighs on me because it weighed on me because it felt like I had this learned helplessness where no matter what I do, it won't be enough. Right? And being a Nigerian woman, like you got these perfectionistic standards that are just out of the box, don't make no sense. So imagine me trying to look at point Z where I think I'm supposed to be, where I'm still at point A because I'm not supposed to be at point Z yet. I don't have the tools to get to Z.

SPEAKER_02: 35:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 35:24

Right. And so so many women who are late diagnosed, like me, like it's like this epiphany because the way we experience our symptoms are so different. Yeah. A lot of times, especially as black women, we're just so socialized to be strong. Yes, to mask, you know, like I can't mask anymore. Yeah. I masked for so long. I used to be in a I didn't understand this, right? I used to have a conversation with somebody and they would be talking to me right after church. You know, after church talk, I'd be like, I'm like, why are you trying to have a life-changing talk right now? But whatever. But and then I remember my chest would hurt. It was like this, like a knot that was twisting. And I was just like, I didn't understand why I couldn't withstand this conversation. But because I didn't have the bandwidth, my neurodivergency doesn't in that moment, you can't handle such a long day and then have that type of conversation. That is not me. I can't do it. I have to take care of myself and understanding that. So, like, when I stopped masking, I was like, um, can we do you think we could talk about this another time? You know, like I had to, like, I was blunt at first. I think like for a long time I was just like being very blunt because I'm like, you don't understand it any other way. And I and I so like I've lost, I and I think when you're done masking, like it comes all at once. Yeah. Impatience. I was like, I cannot irritability. Yo, misophonia. Somebody chews in my air, I will I will wing your girl. You don't understand.

SPEAKER_03: 36:54

Like, get to get married. I'm about to make you go eat in the hallway. I'm like, bro, pull your mouth.

SPEAKER_00: 37:03

I'm not even a loud eater, but they're just certainly. It's like, but you know what's happening? Your nervous system is going haywire. It's like, imagine, it's like you're on a roller, like your stomach is dropping. Imagine that in your chest. Yes, it's like your nervous system is reacting to a a painful event. So when someone like talks, I didn't so like growing up, I had this and I didn't know. I was like, my sister and I will, my sister and I, Kende, will call it making sounds. You're making sounds, stop making sounds, but till this day, like shout out to Kende. Shout out to Kende. Shout out to Kenny, my twin, my twin. She was supposed to be here, amen. Um, but like, yo, we said they're making sounds, we can't stand it. Like, we we and it was like I was the visible, it's like a visceral reaction we can't contain. And I talked about this in one of my videos, but when I stopped taking my meds, because I didn't even realize I stopped taking my meds, I was going all over the place. Yes. She said, No, it hasn't been one month, it's been five months. I said, What? Five months? She said, You haven't seen me in five months. I said, Oh my. She said, Yeah, so everything you're feeling, that rage, yeah, it makes sense. Yeah, like I was, it was rage. Yeah, rage at every thing, and it's like all of these things, but this is because emotional dysregulation is common with ADHD, right? But because I've masked for so long, I just like silence, stuff it in, yeah, you know. But now it's like, if you get me upset, you will find out. Yeah, you will find out, but in a way, and I'm like, I'm I've learned to communicate in a way like, hey, like, I don't like that. You you I please stop. Yeah, I say, I feel like you're trauma dumping on me right now. And I know you think because I'm a therapist that I could take it, so but I actually can't. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not even gonna watch this podcast. Um, but um, you know, everybody, everybody watch your podcast. I wish everybody watched it.

SPEAKER_03: 38:57

The numbers need to go up. Um, but I always tell people, if you wanted to be spoken about warmly, you should have behaved better. So I I keep it real on my podcast, and I know people watch everything. If she's talking about me, probably. If you feel like it's you missed something to me, maybe, or if if there's a situation that I won't use names, obviously, but if there's a situation in your life that I think people could benefit from, and I and I learn, matter of fact, forget people. If I learned something from something you said or did, yeah, it probably will come out on this podcast or in my content at some point because it's my life experience, right? It's your life experience, but yeah, I just um there are things, and I haven't been diagnosed yet. I am gonna take the exam. Um, but child 30s, how old are you? I'm 31. 31. It it it it don't it expedite like I started realizing, oh, I can't, if if I'm talking and somebody else starts talking, like if I'm in a group set, if I'm addressing a group and somebody else starts talking, I my whole nervous system is like, shut up, because I can't even think while you're talking while I'm talking. Like I'd be you know how like you preaching and like people like having a little side conversation, it would take everything in me to just be like, Can y'all please stop? You know, but that's not normal.

SPEAKER_00: 40:09

You'd be surprised how normal that is. Is it so like it's about it's normal, but it's about the way to deal with it. Yeah, right? It's like you have to teach yourself how to ground, like, and then remind yourself like sometimes I'm like, whoo, let me take a deep breath. Yeah. And I'm like, honestly, oh, tension released. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 40:26

So how would you let let's talk about that? Because I think there are a lot of women who are maybe undiagnosed or you know, dealing with ADHD symptoms, neurospiciness, neurodivergence, right? What are grounding exercises? What are things that they can do in their mind and their body to ground, right?

SPEAKER_00: 40:45

So ADHD is a lot of symptoms. So if you're thinking executive dysfunction, have someone, they call it body doubling, right? So if you feel like you can't complete task or something like that, have someone model it for you. So, like if you have notes to do or you got editing, Glau Jumi needs to edit too. Y'all sit together and edit. You're gonna get motivated from him. Yes. Can they? I don't even think Kenny realizes how much like when she does something, I'm like, huh, let me do it. And I'm getting work done now, you know? I love y'all.

SPEAKER_03: 41:14

I used to both stay at the house, but I used to come visit my boyfriend and child who had a very nice apartment. We were doing it the Lord's way because every part of me wanted to sleep with that man. You were so open about me. I'm like, you're stupid. I'm 34 years. Can I come sleep on? Even if I tell me I was out of time, you gave me your keys. I was like, girl, just go stay at the house. Because I used to be checking out to the bronks to my dad's house. Nah, we ain't having uh the worst. Anyway. So yes, I love y'all. Y'all really helped me down. But you were saying that she like her working helps.

SPEAKER_00: 41:52

Yeah, so like when I have someone around me motivated, um it helps me to feel motivated. Yeah, right. Um, something else is like when I have when I feel emotional dysregulation, like I feel haywire, we just gotta take a beat and be like, what am I upset about? Like, take a deep breath. And so, like, we call it activation and completion.

SPEAKER_02: 42:11

Okay, right?

SPEAKER_00: 42:12

Your body gets activated when you're triggered. You'll you'll you'll you may not notice it, but that's why somatic awareness. Like I teach it with my clients. What is happening in your body right now? Is your chest pounding? Are you having a headache? Are you grinding your teeth? Right? Is this familiar? When have you felt like this before? Okay, so what can you do to intervene in this moment, right? I like to do something called rage. Recognize what you're feeling. That can be somatically and in your mind. Acknowledge. Acknowledge and accept what's happening. Okay, I'm feeling really anxious right now, and I just gotta say, yes. I'm I this is what's happening, I accept it. This is what's happening in this moment. Investigate. Where is this coming from? What does this remind me of? Nurture. What do I need? Right? So think about activation and completion. So you the the recognized part, so you're recognizing an activation, right? When you now offer yourself the the room and the space to feel what you're feeling without shame, and that's the biggest part of mindfulness. So the the first part of it is mindfulness, right? You're recognizing what you're feeling without shame. Black women, we always feel shame. We always feel because we've been programmed and socialized that we have to be a standard. And that's something is wrong with us, right? And but we the most copied. Everybody wanna be us, but don't nobody want to be us. And that's how so it's like we always have to hold ourselves, but it's like give yourself permission to feel what you're feeling. Yeah, because it's not a weakness, that's what makes it stronger. Yeah, so it's like I have to accept what I'm feeling without judgment. And sometimes it's it's hard because sometimes you have beliefs about these emotions. Yeah. The thing about it is it's just an emotion. Yeah, it doesn't have to be anything else. It doesn't have to go further than that. What that's what makes it worse. That's what builds on depression and anxiety. Is like we have these spiraling beliefs about what we're feeling. Right. And we go off of that. And so we try to deny it. Yeah. We try to distract. Yep. We try to distract. We try to deny. But that's the thing. That's what makes it worse. So the nurturing part is like, say, what are you saying? What can you say? What would you say to a friend in this moment? You got this. You are loved. Take it. It is not your fault.

SPEAKER_03: 44:32

Take a nap. Go eat. Don't call that person back. Call that person back. Right. Nurture. Yeah. What do I need? Drink some.

SPEAKER_00: 44:38

Do I need to drink some water? Am I do I need to drink some wine? What can I do? Do I need some chocolate? Yeah. What do how do I soothe? Like and sometimes that and that's the in the moment thing. But then when you keep doing that, you're able to, what are you doing? You're processing emotions. I have a good like my clients sometimes, like, um, there's a client I have, she doesn't sleep. Two weeks. Oh man. Two weeks hasn't slept, right? And I said, you're activated. And then she reaches completion. I said, but you try to shift off to the completion. What is your belief about this? I said, I just gotta move on. I said, no, you don't. You gotta be in a constant state of completion. You have to be in a constant state of awareness of what's happening within you. Because if you're not, it's like a pendulum between you know being grounded and then being anxious or being um depressed. You're you if you're constantly going through that, so your body's never gonna learn how to actually settle down in completion. That level. Right. So yeah, I'm I I learned this for myself too.

SPEAKER_03: 45:38

I love rain. Rain. That's gonna be my that's gonna be my thing. I'm doing please. Yeah, so listen, we we have not gotten a chance to get into how much time we got left, babe.

unknown: 45:49

We have 12 more minutes.

SPEAKER_03: 45:50

Okay, okay, good, good. We got we got time. All right, so you are someone who has had to persevere through a lot, so much so that you named your brand, yeah, uh, Farada. Yeah. Am I saying that correctly? I love it, I love it, I love it. Um, which means persevere. Yes, it does. Um, yeah, and and you are someone, and we don't have to get into this super, but along with the lupus, you've had kidney transplant, you've been through dialysis, you've had you know mental and emotional struggles, familial struggles, um, struggles in your spirituality where you had to come to terms with basically what you were taught versus what you now believe, you know, years later, um, which I can relate to as well, which is how it should be, by the way. You shouldn't. Some things are the same today, yesterday, and forevermore, but some things are cultural, and it's okay to change your mind about cultural things. Um, and then also, you know, you are someone who has now private practice, yes, you know, and and and and working with people and putting people on, you know, helping people out. Uh, how has perseverance shown up in your life from the time that your health began to decline until now?

SPEAKER_00: 47:08

Yeah, so like I think it's always it's always been that it's like a resounding word for some reason. It's always been there, this word perseverance, because there were times and it was like, like when I was so sick and I was like, I just rather not rather not go through this at all. You know, I don't want to hurt myself, but I thought like I'd rather not live, you know. But I think the spirit always worked around me, right? I even me going to psychology, like it just took one AP class in high school. I was like, oh, what's this about? I took one class and it wasn't even really that good. But I promise you, it was we were watching movies, writing reports, AP psych. But it still got me interested. It's like, how does the mind work? Curiosity is how I think one of the talents that God gave me to persevere. When I because if I learn more and I understand it, I can know how to work through it. Yeah. Right. So, like through the Bible, when I studied, when I actually became a disciple, I was like, oh, that's how you deal with sin. Yeah, that's how you deal with heartache. Okay. Going, um, learning about psychology and also public health, too. Like, and then getting my graduate degree. Oh, it's sometimes you just gotta sit with it. It's not always solution. Sometimes it's oh, it lives in your body too. Oh. So the curiosity helped me to persevere because I'm like, I and I think also I always said, God, use me. Oh, that was a I think I prayed this so young, and I think I said, God, like, dang, I think I really prayed that prayer too hard. But he did. I was like, so I said, This can't be for nothing. And that's what that was the message I kept saying. I said, it can't be for nothing. Like, you know, even with we see David in the Bible, like all the mistakes and all the things he's been through, but we always learn from him when we read Psalms. So it's like, I'm I'm like, oh wow, like I can, this is how I work through it. I make something of it.

SPEAKER_02: 49:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 49:03

Right? I don't, I don't, I'm not gonna sit there and just have this chip on my shoulder and then repeat generational patterns. I don't want that. I said, I don't want to end up the way my parents had to end up because of their trauma.

SPEAKER_02: 49:16

I don't want to end there.

SPEAKER_00: 49:17

Yes, I want to be different, I want to take it to another level.

SPEAKER_02: 49:21

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 49:22

And I think that's what kept pushing me. Like, and I think God just kept showing me different ways to do it.

SPEAKER_02: 49:26

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00: 49:26

Even through my creativity, like little, like like spoken word, like I don't I don't do it a lot, but I've done it enough. And I'm like, oh wow, like I've been able to reach people through spoken word talking about depression, but also introduces me to other people that helps me to navigate, like um, meeting people who can put me in spaces like this. Put me in spaces where I'm meeting people who will who need a therapist to do this one day. They're like, oh, I thought of you. Yeah, you know, so it's like every little thing God can use, but perseverance has definitely been a theme, and I think it's through my trial that I had to learn. And I think that's why I'm always reading like James 1, right? Yep. And I was like, I used to hate that scripture. Shaking his head, yeah. I used to hate that scripture. Yeah, I said, Dog, why would you put this in the Bible? But I'm like and then I realized it's needed is needed.

SPEAKER_03: 50:16

Yes. So do you think that Christians today understand perseverance? And I'm gonna tell you why I asked that, but but let me get your answer first.

SPEAKER_00: 50:25

I think once again, disillusionment. If you think perseverance means you're owed something, then you didn't know what perseverance is about. Like we're refined by fire, right? And that's refinement, that's the lesson. The fire is the lesson. Like, yes, we come out better, but the refinement, the thing, the trials and tribulations are the lessons, and that's what makes that's why he says it builds character, right? And I talk about it, like I talked about that in my one of my videos. Like, you how do you build character? Do your trials, yeah. If you don't go through nothing, I'm sorry, like you're gonna be pretty boring. Yeah, it's you're not gonna be someone that like wants to be that someone wants to be around because it's not gonna be any inspiration, it's not gonna be any relation. But that's the thing, I don't think anybody's like that. Yeah, not one person has not been any do something, yeah. We all some people just don't tell their story, or don't even recognize it because it because maybe it's been a better story than most others, yeah, but you still have stuff, yes, you know. So I that realization is like it, that's why I think we don't we won't know what perseverance is if we're not willing to withstand the trial and not have an answer right away. Yeah, yeah. He's not gonna always say yes. If you're waiting for a yes god, then you're serving the wrong one. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 51:48

So that's it, that's it, that's all. Listen, the reason I ask that is because I think if and I and this spans generations because people love to say it's millennials and it's Gen Z. No, I know I know a couple of boomers who struggle with perseverance.

SPEAKER_02: 52:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 52:05

Um I think that one of the reasons that the church at large, the kingdom at large, all over the world, all over, struggles with therapy, and believing that therapy is necessary and works is because we don't like to be patient. And perseverance requires patience and time. So you want someone who was I'm just gonna put an example out there, yeah, who was molested at a young age, who had uh instability in the home, who may have had sexual experiences with the same sex as a kid, who whatever, right? You want them because they came to your church, which by the way didn't offer them any therapy, to now change, repent, and be a different person over the course of your new membership class in three weeks or however long it is. And if they do not do that, then they are not a Christian or they are not whatever you yo, this is the spirit.

SPEAKER_00: 53:23

Because I talk about this all the time.

unknown: 53:25

I talk about this all the time.

SPEAKER_03: 53:28

And I'm like, oh, y'all, y'all, y'all don't want y'all don't want people to actually change and grow. You want performance, you want people to just miraculous be miraculously be okay and changed and healed, and yet they go home every night and struggle. Um, and they fall back into these patterns because what they need is therapy and more specifically, trauma therapy. And I believe I I pray, and I and some churches are doing this very well. It's not all churches, but I I really pray that we get to a point that we understand that yes, the Lord's Holy Spirit is powerful enough to change somebody around overnight, but what they need after that night are tools, practices, help in order to actually live a life, right? Their heart could be changed, but to live a life where they don't act out all they know is all they know. They need tools which will require patience and the leadership and the kingdom at large.

SPEAKER_00: 54:36

I literally I talk about this all I said, I don't know how you and I use example like that. I said, This person's a sex addict, and now you want them to stop having sex and then because they've continuously had sex because they're a sex addict. Maybe they've had sex once a month rather than every day, but no, they have to be kicked out now. I said, um, I said, I said, where's the room for them to actually repent and like actually work through this? Like when someone goes through trauma, there are physiological and chemical changes to our brain and our bodies. Like, even when they first started doing eyewitness accounts of like people who were sexually abused, they found that the woman couldn't talk. Every time they get on the table, like, uh Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that. You've seen it, right? So then it was like, what's going on? Oh, your brokest area is being active, is is now shut down because you're still replaying the trauma in your because like what happens when you're in when you're what happens when you go through trauma? Fight, flight, freeze, fawn, collapse. There's so much more. Because people think it's only really there's so much more. Right. So, like, if someone is going into collapse mode, they're going to disengage from their body. Disassociate, yep. So now they can't, so you expect them to speak about something they can't even can't access. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They can't access it.

SPEAKER_03: 55:59

Yeah, as someone who's been in adult in ministry most of my adult life, yeah, there are so many things that I was not equipped to be helping anybody with or through. And in my last several years in ministry, praise the Lord, as I got older, I started becoming very vocal with other leaders about what was above your pay grade and what was above my pay grade, and what was above our um skill set, and what we should not be naming or claiming or telling, or you know, and it was honestly very freeing because when you think you're supposed to help someone who has an addiction, a traumatic experience through something by telling them that the Lord is their shepherd and they shall not be in want. Hello, somebody. You know what I mean? Like, you know, and so I just really appreciate the work that you're doing because I think it's so important for people who are in the faith to make a clear distinction between what we know and believe in the Bible and what we are educated and licensed to deal with. And it is so important that there are people like you that exist because there is gonna be a person who genuinely wants to be right with the Lord and is gonna need your perspective on how to carry that out with all that they've been through. So I just want to say thank you because truly it is needed, and and my prayer is that you know, people like yourself become pillars in every church, every single church there are two things that I feel like every church in the world, but let's talk about America's that's where we at. Every Western church needs to prioritize in this day and age. There's social media and internet presence, mm-hmm. Because you're losing the youth because you refuse to use social media and you refuse to listen to them. Or invest in it. Baby, I yeah, invest in it. Whole church reckoning thousands of dollars and don't own a camera. Okay. Sound system is crazy on YouTube. Oh my okay. Only has one camera. When we know studies have shown us that people need multi-angles because it's interesting. Yeah, but but but we want to get the youth and we want to get single people. No, you don't, because you don't listen to the youth or single people. I don't want to give them the soapbox, that's a whole nother thing. But that, and then before that, I was gonna say right after that, but actually before that, yeah, having people who, if they're not on staff, because not everybody needs to be on staff, but people who are a part of your staff meetings, a part of your staff meetings, a part of your yearly planning, who are licensed and skilled to deal with mental health.

unknown: 58:56

Wow.

SPEAKER_03: 58:56

If you are not doing that as a church, you are doing your memory, if you are a minister, let me let me look into the camera and say this. If you lead a church and you are not prioritizing people who are licensed and educated and dealing with matters of mental health and trauma, you're irresponsible.

unknown: 59:16

I agree.

SPEAKER_03: 59:18

Period. After, especially after the pandemic. And I just, I just I have a real conviction about this because I've seen people be hurt deeply. I know, yeah. I've seen people be hurt deeply because people who had no business instructing them on things in life instructed them on things in life. I've asked God, I don't, I was young, I was young in ministry, so I don't really remember doing anything like this, but I'm like, Lord, if I did, if I did ever instruct anyone in any way that in a way that was a I was instructed to do something when it was really a mental health issue that I didn't understand, please forgive me and please heal that person because a lot of that stuff has been done over the last several decades. And if you're still doing that in 2025, going on 2026, you're irresponsible and you need to repent, period.

SPEAKER_00: 1:00:08

I don't know if I told you this, but I've actually educated like some of the ministers in my church like about trauma and church hurt and how to respond and how to take responsibility. Now, the goal is for them to take it in and change. I'm gonna I'm still waiting.

SPEAKER_03: 1:00:25

And don't only call, don't only call the mental health professionals in your church up when something crazy happens. Oh, yeah, or when you decide to have one service a year on a midweek when it's only 25 people to talk about mental health. You know, cause because I'm tired. So I'm just gonna say it. I'm gonna say it fully. Right. Let's actually prioritize them. Let's have them in the staff meetings and at the staff retreats. Let's have these people who have gone to school and understand these things, help our churches be healthy. Because it's not going anywhere. The mental health uh crises that we are dealing with in this country, it's not getting, it's not gonna get better. Not at all. And so if we if you are so blessed, because it is a blessing to have people in your congregation who have gone to school, schooling that you didn't help them pay for, not that that was a church responsibility, but just saying, who are willing to help you for free, to educate you for free, to educate you with for free with things that they pay hundreds of thousands to learn, so that you can shepherd your flock better and you're not taking advantage of it, it's very irresponsible. And I just pray that we really get a handle on appreciating people like you and people who do the work that you do. Um on a less serious note.

SPEAKER_00: 1:01:46

I was that was I'm I'm still reeling, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_03: 1:01:50

On a less serious note, I want to talk about your personal life. I'm gonna talk about your personal life. Um because as someone who deals with the real all day, right? You you you you said you're done masking, you know, you don't hide from yourself. Um, and you I know show up for so many people. I feel like the year of my wedding, you went to like six weddings. Like that was the year. 2023 was real, like so many weddings. Yes. And so you show up for your friends, yeah, you show up for people um in a way that causes you sometimes to have to celebrate people's milestones that you haven't reached yet, right? I know that life very well. That was that was my life for very many years. Yeah. Um, how does it affect you mentally and emotionally to be in those rooms, in those spaces when you might still be wanting some of those things, baby showers, weddings, bridal showers, things like that?

SPEAKER_00: 1:02:59

You know, remember when I said the avoidant thing? I think it kind of plays in here because I don't get jealous of it. I think at one point it would it hurt so bad. Like when I was like in my early like mid to early 20s, it hurt so bad when I couldn't get it. Like it was physical pain.

SPEAKER_02: 1:03:15

Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_00: 1:03:16

And and I didn't realize that rejection was so sensitive because of ADHD, right? But I think now I'm hoping it's not avoidance, but I think like I jet like I I was praying about my friend who just got engaged. Um and I was crying because I was so happy for her. So it's like, but I'm like, I said, and I think also like kind of like what you said, like the disillusion of marriage is gone for me. Yeah. I I'm like, do I really I always ask myself, I want to, I know I need to be married. Yeah, because I am not a saint. Yeah. But um, do I it is hard to share all that parts of you with somebody else.

SPEAKER_03: 1:03:56

You know, the older you get, the harder it is. Because you you are fully formed adult. Yes.

SPEAKER_00: 1:04:00

So yeah, I understand that. So I think what I'm trying to do is be present and be happy. Yeah. And if I feel like you know, bitterness or jealousy comes up, I investigate, I was like, it has nothing to do with them. Yeah, you know, but you know, I think at one point it was it, is I don't think it's ever, I've been in so many weddings, you know this. Yeah, yeah. I don't ever feel jealous. Yeah, if anything, I feel so emotional for them. Yeah, yeah, you know, like when I watched y'all's wedding, yeah, when I was there watching them sing like it was angels, and then yeah, you're well, like I was in tears because I was genuinely because I know your souls, yeah, you know. So when I genuinely love someone and I see them happy, it's okay. Yeah, yeah. So I the jealousy thing hasn't happened for me in a long time. Yeah, you know, but what do you feel besides happiness for them? What do you feel? So there are times when I'm like, it makes me curious. I said, oh God, so like what is what would that look like for me then? I said, so like what do I need to do? Yeah. So how how would that work for me? Yeah. I said, why, how is it that simple? Is it that simple? Yeah, like, or like, I don't have that type of softness. Like, so I'm like, am I gonna be able to attract someone like that? It's all curiosity, it's not even insecurity, it's I'm genuinely curious. And sometimes, like, when some of my friends get on my others, I'm like, girl, you got a good man, be quiet. That's how I feel sometimes. I'm like, you need to be quiet. Be grateful. You you got a grounded good man, you better sit down and stop complaining. You know, so it's it's like that. But a lot of times it's like I'm very curious of like, you know, what it would look like for me. You know, I think it's I think it's longing. Right? I I was reading, I have this uh this new NIV Bible, but it's like a Jesus, it ties everything into Jesus. And it talks about the the wedding scene. The wedding, not the chosen, but the chosen, right? Yeah, I was really thinking about it like, yeah. Um talk about the part where he's at the wedding, he turns water and he does perform the first miracle. And it says, like, perhaps, you know, he was a little like um reluctant at first because he didn't want to reveal himself, but perhaps he changed his mind because he was too longing to see his reunification with his bridegroom. And I was like, oh wow. And but he was genuinely happy, wasn't bitter, but he had longing. And I think that's what it is. Yeah. That's how I feel. Like, I feel like it's I love that. You know, like I know it has a deep desire because I know, like, I have so much love to give, right? But I'm not, I think with all the trauma I've been through and what I've witnessed in relationships, I'm not willing to just settle for anybody.

SPEAKER_03: 1:06:43

And you know that really well. Yeah, you already know I just been single before the rest of my life before I settled. I was just like, listen, I'm not doing that. What is your prayer life around this topic? The topic of your singlehood. What does your prayer life around that look like?

SPEAKER_00: 1:06:59

Be honest. No, I that's what I'm about to say. Like, I haven't, I there was times where I didn't pray for it at all. There were times when I prayed for it all the time. Right now, it's like I'm trying to understand where I'm at. I'm like, God, like, what would this look like? It's the curiosity. Yeah. And I'm like, and I I start praying for my friends, and I'm like, oh wow, like that's so beautiful. It's like, God, you know, like, I want that, you know? And it's coming from a place of gratitude. And I was like, I can feel that it's just there, but it's like, yeah, it's like within reach, but I don't know how to get there. So, God, what do I need to do? And there was times I'm like, God, why did you put me in this position? Like, why did like I used to have so many insecurities, whether it's my weight or meet my illness or like my family. Like, I was like, who's gonna want to marry? And then I I don't think so. Who am I gonna bring into this family? You know, but now I'm they're marrying you, not just your family, child, please. Anyway, well, thank you for saying that. Um, I love my family, but like it's always drama, you know.

SPEAKER_03: 1:07:57

I love my family, gosh, and we love this family, but we are married to each other 99% of the time. We we're with each other, as it should be, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00: 1:08:05

Yeah, so like I think that's what it comes, like it's it's been a battle. I've I've been so angry at God. Not because I think for me, it's like I always pieced it together where there's something wrong with me. That's why. But then I'm just like, I wonder what it looks like because I don't think there's actually anything wrong with me, it's just my perspective. I realized that I pushed so many people away. I was like, I'm blaming God, but I'm the one pushing people away. Not every and not even trying to be vulnerable with people with these men. I friend zone people with yeah, and somebody was like, somebody was like, you know that man. I said he was not flirting, whatever. I said, I said, wait, I'm very good at friend zoning, yeah. You know, so I'm trying to be better at that. Like, I if I want it, I gotta work too. Yeah, yes, like like well, you went on that blonde date. Yes, you never met this man, never heard of him, yeah, but you were open and you did the work. I was open and look at God, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 1:08:55

And it's true. And I think for me, one of the things I always encourage, you know, I first of all, I love single women. I don't care how long I'm marry, I will always put on my cape and fly over there to singlehood to tell y'all what the what the Lord is saying to me for y'all. And it's one of the things, thank you, God, and one of the things that I try to encourage, you know, single Christian women with is there is a plan that God has for your life. And He loves you too much to give you a man that will disrupt that plan. Now that means one of two things. Yeah, you either gotta wait for him to give you a man who will be in line with the plan, or there is no man that's in line with the plan. Both answers are yes and amen. Both answers are yes and amen. Because I'm gonna tell you something right now. I would rather be single than to be with a man who was gonna stop me from doing this. And a lot of women, you know, are living life on hard mode because of who they married.

SPEAKER_00: 1:10:07

It's actually been I'm not gonna say I can't do it. Thank you. Sorry. Continue.

SPEAKER_03: 1:10:17

Just know that you're a great example. And so I see both answers as God's grace and mercy. He is gracious and merciful if he gives you a husband. He's gracious and merciful if he doesn't. He's gracious and merciful if he gives you one at 22, 25. He's gracious and merciful if he makes you wait till you're 35 or 45. Because he sees the whole story. You know, and I think that people have to pray for what they want. I am totally against this idea of I'm not just gonna pray about it because I just want God to do. Girl, now what? That's like saying you want a job and not going on the job interviews and applying. What are we talking about? Go on the dates, be nice, don't friend zone everybody, you know, look like something. Oh, girl, you know how I do that. I already know. Okay. You know, we're not coming out the house smelling like outside and looking like inside. Because some of y'all, you know, true. Okay, all right, you know, and that ain't got nothing to do with weight or nothing. You could be, you know what I mean? Well, my husband met me. I was bigger than I am now. You know what I mean? I'm I'm now kind of slowly coming on down. You look good. You know, thank you, boo. Um, but I I can relate to feeling like, is it my weight? Is it my complexion? You know, because all the light-skinned sisters seem to be finding the man, right? I had to deal with that. You know? That's a big thing. But the thing, yes. And and and and here's the thing, you're not crazy. It's true. Oh, I know. It's true. Oh, I know. I used to say all the time, as fly and funny and spiritual as I am, if I was light-skinned with long hair, I'd have been off the market at 22.

SPEAKER_00: 1:11:56

Probably.

SPEAKER_03: 1:11:57

Was in the ministry. I knew, but when I tell you I would let God pack me, make me as black as this table, if it was gonna mean that only he was gonna see me.

SPEAKER_00: 1:12:10

I know that's right.

SPEAKER_03: 1:12:11

Because when the person sees you, girl, it ain't nothing like it. And as you, you know, we were an unlikely pair. You know what I mean? Like, people were like, how did I even know each other, let alone David? But when God, we didn't know, you know what I mean? We didn't go, we did not go on that date thinking we were gonna meet the person we were gonna marry. I know for a fact he didn't, and I know for a fact I didn't. But God had a plan. And so when God has a plan, there's nothing you can do to thwart it. You can't be too dark, too fat, too skinny, too educated, undereducated, too much money, not enough money, there's nothing you can do when he brings your person. And I think the enemy wants to make women, specifically darker black women, feel like there is something inherently wrong with us that is stopping us from being loved. And it's a lie. It is, it's a lie. And if your skin color was ever gonna make or your weight was ever gonna make a man not love you, you don't want him to love you no way. Because let me tell you something. One thing I learned very young, my sister was hit by a car when she was 12. She left to go to the store. We used to live on Pacific Street. She went to Cross Atlantic Avenue to go to Pathmark. If you're from Bedstadt, back in the day, you know I was on Restoration Plaza Pathmark. Yes. She left to go to that store. My sister's face has never been the same since that day. She got hit by a car, she went through a windshield and had 200 stitches in her face. Oh my gosh. She was 12, I was nine. I learned that day, you better find somebody who loves you for who you are, because in the blink of an eye, anything can change. So if a man only loves you for your body, that body can change. And it don't even have to be nothing tragic. Uh a perimenopause, pregnancy. But in the blink of an eye, anything can change. Accidents, you better get somebody who loves you for you. So that helped me to release this idea that, oh, it's not it's because I'm dark skinned, it's because I'm this and it's because I'm that. Well, then if that's how you feel, you ain't the person for me. You know what I mean? And that's cool, you know? That's what I've had to.

SPEAKER_00: 1:14:18

I'm like, and I and I've been wrong because I've I've realized, like, oh wait, that's you look back on interaction, it's like, oh shoot, I really like push that person away. Like, or this person, I say, I when people look at me and they start, you know, the people like to lick their lips, I'm like, you need to go somewhere with that. But that is attraction, still. You know what I'm saying? So I I've I've learned that, like, nah, I'm I'm good on choosing someone who chooses me. Yeah, yes. I ain't trying to prove myself to no the right man will not be intimidated. Nobody, nobody is cute enough. Like, I I kid you not, nobody I feel like nobody is cute enough unless if you don't have God in you and if you don't have a good personality, I don't care. You're ugly to me. Yeah, it doesn't matter to me anymore. Because I'm like, I'm at that stage I'm like, that's them 30s.

SPEAKER_03: 1:15:02

The sin the sin starts picking in in your 30s. It's true. And the right man won't be intimidated for years. Everybody tells me it's just intimidated, just intimidated. I don't like that. That man came in my life and was like, Lish, who are you? Oh, you're actually pretty great. Might want to marry you. But he is not intimidated. There's no, there's no um pretense about who's in in charge around here. You know what I mean? So even that, you don't have to lose your personality and become this soft-spoken, delicate, you know, woman who's a gentle and quiet spirit. And but let me tell you, I'm gentle and quiet where I need to be. And that's it. Okay, I'm gentle and quiet where my husband wants me to be. That's it. You know what I mean? I'm I need to be who God created me to be. Yes, and I think that you are doing a great job of doing that, you know. And my prayer is that if it is God's will, if it will make your life more pleasing to him, that he will bring you a husband.

SPEAKER_00: 1:16:07

Yeah, I pray that too. I I think God has I think so something, something Kenny always says that the everybody was married in the Bible. It was just a given. If you were single, that's when it was pointed out. If you were a widow, and I'm just like, you know, at this point, I'm like, Kenny be spitting, yeah. Kenny, yo, that's good. Kenny be talking about marriage. Though she studied this out, so she's very big on it. Yeah, and she's talking about like all these lies that we've been told about marriage, anyway. But so it's like the marriage is a given, it's actually a like it's a gift to be single. But some people think they have the gift when they don't, and that's why they fall, right? So then I've learned that like I don't have that gift, yeah. I don't have the gift, like it's a gift right now, but I don't have the gift for I know forever, yes, yes. So I know that like in order for me to be in a line with God's will, I also got it for the rest of my life. Yes, ma'am.

SPEAKER_03: 1:17:02

I understand I understand, I understand.

SPEAKER_00: 1:17:06

So that's what it is. So that's what like I'm like, you know what, God? It's all it's this is you, yeah. I will continue to the best of my ability to follow.

SPEAKER_03: 1:17:14

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love that. We asked a question to end off our show, yeah, and the question is in the grand scheme of things, what do you want your legacy to be? Oh man.

SPEAKER_00: 1:17:24

Um I think I want to leave an impact knowing, like allowing people to know that we can be seen all parts of us and be loved. Whether it's our our trauma that has stopped us, whether it's and the first person to ever do that was God. So when you're seen and loved by God, you can be seen and loved by yourself, and you can allow other people to see and love you. And I think that's the biggest thing I'm learning. It's like we reason why we work through all of this is so that we can get there. So we can allow people to see us. Yeah, right. And I and like you said, it's beautiful to be seen, yeah, right? Like the even the word seen is to and to know is is like it's very intimate. In marriage, it's intimate, right? But to be seen by a person, like even if it's a friendship, it is a beautiful thing when you just know that they've accepted and loved you for who you are. But your trauma and all the things that you've been through can disrupt that belief, and you will continue to pretend or suppress. So, like I want to help people to know that like when we confront these things, it's so that we can have that fulfilling life. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03: 1:18:35

So I love that. Well, you're well on your way to that legacy. Uh, tell the people where they can find you. She has an amazing social media presence where she shares. If you like my talking head videos, you'll love her talking head videos as well. Yeah. Where she just shares wisdom and things that actually come from a licensed person, as opposed to me just telling y'all what I think. Girls saw. So tell them where to find you on social media and tell them where to find your website if they would like to have a consultation.

SPEAKER_00: 1:19:01

Yeah. So um I have a TikTok, the first gen therapist on TikTok. I'm also on Instagram. Yep. Farada underscore mental help. F-A-R-A-D-A underscore mental health. And also my personal page, which I also share my life, is the first gen therapist, but it's T-H-E, number one S T gen therapist.

SPEAKER_03: 1:19:25

Gotcha. Okay.

SPEAKER_00: 1:19:26

Yes. And then I also have a website, farada um that's mental health.com.

SPEAKER_03: 1:19:31

Love it. I love it. I love it. We didn't even get to talk so much about the whole first gen thing because that's a whole I guess that means I gotta have you back. Yes. Or I gotta force you to start your own podcast so I can come. You know, I've been praying about that. So I think every I'm the wrong person to talk to because I think everybody should start a podcast, but we'll talk about that off camera. Thank you guys again for joining us for another episode of I'll Just Let Myself in. I hope that something that you heard today really helped and encouraged you uh to think differently about your mental health, to think differently about the way in which you go through life, to think differently about what is possible for you. You know what we say here, you know, we do not wait for imaginary permission slips or some seat at an imaginary table. We walk through our God-given doors, and perhaps something in the way that you are ideating mentally, something in the way that you are seeing yourself mentally is stopping you from walking through that God-given door. I want to encourage you, do not be afraid to seek out help. Do not be afraid to seek out therapy because it may just be the very thing that allows you to be who God has called you to be. I thank you for watching another week. If you're listening on Holy Culture Radio, Sirius XM channel 140 at 8 p.m. Eastern Standard Time on a Monday night, I thank you for listening there. If you're watching on their YouTube, I thank you for watching there. And if you are watching on my YouTube, Lish Speaks, I thank you for watching there. Please make sure that you subscribe. We know by now, if you listen here regularly, that there's a good percentage of you who watch weekly but are not subscribed for some reason. I'm gonna charge it to your head and not your heart and say maybe you just forgot. Today I want to remind you to go ahead and subscribe, and we will be back here same time, same place next week. I'll just let myself in with your girlish speaks. Peace.